The major breaking headline that will
bring you most currently up to speed with my personal 'Share in a Chair' Life
is that I have managed to return to work (in my head I can hear general
applause so thankyoutoyoukindregards, my imaginary cheerleading squad).
Returning to work has thrown up an incredible amount of challenges on a number
of different fronts. More on that in a moment.
In other news whilst the summer
weather was glorious this year I did manage to completely burn my feet and they
inflated into two very red balloons at the end of my legs. Even now, several
months later, on a very cold day you can see the area where the skin was
damaged. Note to all - Wear Sunscreen.
And finally, my two-bedroom flat that
I live in, where I sleep in the lounge, get dressed in the lounge, eat in the
lounge, work in the lounge, entertain guests in the lounge, stay sick in bed in
the lounge, watch TV in the lounge and so on, is finally being renovated. The
main hall corridor was too narrow for my power wheelchair to turn into either
of the bedrooms and also the bathroom doorway was so narrow I could not go in
there unless in my shower chair. For the discerning amongst you, you'll realise
that meant any toileting i.e. emptying of leg bag, had to be done in the lounge
or in and around the bathroom area without closing the door. You know you are
considered a true friend by myself if I'll happily urinate in front of you as
it only involves a bottle and the flick of a switch. Oh and a pair of rubber
gloves by those of a more hygienic ilk.
So, I have returned to work. When I
say returned, what I mean is I now work two partial days a week as opposed to
the full-time, frenetic contract I was previously on. The first thing that
really struck me was blind panic on not being able to cope with the demands and
rigours of being a teacher in the classroom. I hadn't needed to work my brain
for so long that when I was in lessons my brain strongly reminded me of a slug
attempting to crawl towards a boozy trap laid down for my consumption and
delight. The problem was that my brain felt extremely slimy, sloppy and lazy,
so the old grey matter metaphorically slipped through my fingers and I could
not get a grasp on any of the material I was meant to be teaching. I could not
form sentences, I could not develop a flow of questions and I felt as though I
would implode. Particularly as so many very well-meaning and kindhearted people
kept telling me how well I was doing. More than once I returned home as a
quivering wreck to my PA, who then had to deal with a snot-ridden, wailing
banshee who still could not form sentences or even at times simply draw breath…
I do believe in medical terms this is what is known as a "Panic
Attack". On the plus side, it did bring me out of my depression so it
wasn't all bad.
Don't get me wrong, returning to work
has been a goal of mine pretty much ever since I left the spinal unit three years ago, and it is something I still very much want to do but like with
everything in the disabled world, nothing is ever as you would expect it to be.
First and foremost I was very, Very, VERY fortunate that my job was still even
open for me, which of course made this possible, along with the incredible
support of my colleagues, family and friends. However after having had three
years of not needing to be tied to any responsibilities or have any commitments
whatsoever, being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, meant that
having to turn up two days a week and deliver lessons felt like enormous
pressure. So much can go wrong to prevent me from turning up anywhere at any
time, that the commitment of turning up to work on time twice a week felt
impossible to maintain. I honestly did not think I would make it to half term…
But somehow I did (thankyoutoyoukindregards, again to my imaginary cheerleading
squad).
Now that I am passed the
half-term-halfway-point, I am actually feeling incredibly positive about the
whole thing. As one wise person said to me, I just had to give myself time to
settle in and readjust. I mean, did I really think I could just roll into the
classroom and pick up where I'd left off three years ago? Of course not, that
would be silly! (*Okay I did expect to… I still thought I "had it",
but apparently I'd "lost it" and I needed time to "find
it", which was a real shock*) and I realise I am still adjusting. After
all, I cannot do what I used to do with having no working limbs, and the size
of my chair often means I cannot get to every pupil in the classroom or even
sit close enough to them to see their work properly. This is why I have to
develop new skills in working in partnership with my PA at school; a whole
different ballgame to working with a PA at home.
Anyway, moving on… It has now been a
few weeks since I wrote the above. Life kind of ran away with me and as they
say time waits for no man. As an addendum, if indeed 'addendum' is the correct
word to use here, (good word 'addendum'; I think it's all the Ds but it almost
sounds like the beginning of the Eastender's theme tune. Try saying it out loud
– ADDENDUM… ADDENDUM… Ahem…) I
have now moved back into my lovely abode following the finishing off of the
renovation works. Cue massive sort out and reorganisation of literally
everything I own – perfect excuse to go to IKEA :-) and
downsizing/minimising/dematerialising literally everything I own from clothes
to crockery to classic-nay-vintage CDs that I will never play again. Whilst it
is something of a mammoth task it is almost like Christmas, as one opens a box
that has been in the shed or under the bed for the past twelve months and you wait
with baited breath to see what long forgotten treasures are stored within. The
charity shops of my town won't know what's hit them!
Anyway chums, I must be off but it has
been lovely catching up and sharing this little missive. I'd love to say it
will be a regular thing but the idea of commitment at such a level is a bit too
much for me right now (the word "commitment" is in fact a dirty word
in my house, and should you so sully my ears as to sound it within my walls you
would be requested to either 1. Leave via the back door whilst performing a
Celine Dion song of my personal choice or B) reenact one of the latest bush
tucker trials from "I'm a celebrity…".) You have been warned.