Entry 6: Behaving Badly

Smoking, picking your nose, drinking too much, breaking wind from either end in public, driving over the speed limit, biting your nails, not washing your hands after the toilet (yes, you know who you are and there's more than one of you!) – We all have our own little bad habits. Things that we have either chosen to take up consciously, such as eating too much chocolate or never really noticed we were doing such as drumming fingers on any available surface.

I had many a bad habit. Over the years I've had bad habits that have come and gone (yes, I will admit that I used to smoke *Shocked face*), and I had ones that stayed with me right from childhood such as biting the skin around my nails… Not biting my nails you notice, which would of course be the normal habit to form, but the skin around them. I have wondered what a psychologist might make of that at times! There have been times when I have drunk too much. A glass of wine after work, becoming a bottle… It became a habit to a point where I thought that I could see the very faint line between habit and dependency. Ironically enough, I was saved from that bad habit by getting a job in a pub!

Quite often we don't even realise we are doing something habitually, and it is only when we are not able to satisfy our unconscious need that we suddenly realise we even have a habit. For instance, now that I have to consciously ask other people to do something for me I never realised how much I procrastinate. I mean, I knew I always had a lazy bone somewhere but I always kind of thought it might be a small one like in my hand or foot, and I always knew I dreaded having to deal with slightly scary yet important things of which I would put off till the last possible moment. I like to adopt the "mañana philosophy" of Peruvians whereby if something can be done tomorrow instead of today, then let it wait until tomorrow. Is that a bad habit? Or the adoption of a culture style from my many travellings? Okay, okay, perhaps it is not the most efficient use of time…

I know of a bloke who lives in Southport, who became a high-level tetraplegic following a virus attacking his spinal cord. He was a typical scally. For those who do not understand Scouse – a scally is a person one might observe in Shameless (that highly educational and informative TV programme that renders travelling unnecessary to observe another culture style). Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly certain he'd be proud to wear the label. :-) I mention him because he would have had pretty much all of the above bad habits that are mentioned at the opening of this blog, along with a few that my innocent mind would never be able to come up with. He smoked. He drank. He dabbled in drugs. His language was more colourful than a rainbow. However, now he can no longer hold a cigarette, let alone light one. If he wants to drink too much, he must plan ahead. First, making sure that either a) someone will be on hand to administer an intermittent catheter or b) have an indwelling catheter put in for the evening and attached to a leg bag making drinking to excess non-lifethreatening^#1 (in the short term at least). In many ways it could be observed that because of his paralysis his quality of life/health have actually improved. So, do we say hooray for the SCI?? That is out with the jury for me…

So then, how can I perform bad habits when I am most consciously aware of them, and what's worse would have to ask another human being to either do it for me or to me? I have to admit that my intake of chocolate, dark, milk and white alike has remained fairly consistent with the level consumed prior my accident. I did however experience the embarrassment of asking my PA to come back and then come back again and then I would call her yet again for more and evermore pieces of chocolate. I kind of figured that I'd been through far more embarrassing situations to really give a toss what the PA thought. She was leaving in three days anyway…

The worst is picking my nose. There's nothing more annoying in the world then a bogey you just can't reach. Or in my case,  it's a bogey that I can feel is up there and constantly making me twitch my nose. I end up going through a bit of a process – 1. Does the bogey need to be imminently removed or has it yet to make its way towards the exit doors? 2. If the bogey must be removed imminently, can it wait until I have finished what I'm doing/until bed/until I can be bothered to call the PA? 3. Does the PA have the required amount of toilet paper necessary to complete the upcoming task? Nose Analysis undertaken to determine necessary amount, then after initial blow, Reassess. 4. Is it necessary for the PA to initiate the Shadow Finger Technique, because the bogey is clinging on like artex to a ceiling? 5. Although I'm totally grossed out by the entire process, insist on looking at what said process produced… All that hard work and effort must've been damn worth it!

I challenge all the able bodied people out there reading this right now, next time you need to blow your nose get someone else to do it for you. It makes for an excellent bonding experience…

I knew I always

The reason I started to think about bad habits was because I was staring at my fingers the other day, and noticed how lovely and clean and neat they were, instead of red raw with little bits sticking out that I just wanted to nibble on. In the past I would chew on them both consciously and unconsciously, born out of the nervousness that self-doubt and low self-worth can bring. For years and years people told me to stop biting. It was not unknown for me to draw blood. The reason a habit is called a bad one is because it is an undesirable behaviour pattern. Don't get me wrong, I did not win the war on biting my fingers and manage to stop. No, this bad habit has been conquered by my SCI, by making it impossible. Whilst I'm genuinely happy that finally, after 30 years of hideous hands, I can be bold enough to say "actually I might go with the pillar-box red nail varnish," I still think the price was too high to pay. So I'm going to throw it out there and ask what bad habits do you have? What is the one thing people are forever telling you to stop doing? Is there something that you would give anything to have the willpower to be able to stop?

Well, I gave control over my body, the ability to feel warmth on my skin and I'll never be able to brush my own hair again. I gave my dignity, privacy and my independence. But I have nice fingers… So long as you don't count the claw-like shapes that they make now that my tendons are tightening up…

If you have a bad habit, and you really do want to stop – then get help and do it. But if your bad habits are fun… And that's all your bad habits are at the end of the day (yes, I have a parent who will belch at both ends in public and smile whilst doing it. It's not my mother.) Then carry on behaving badly because we all need to laugh more anyway!

#1 – and overfull bladder can lead to Autonomic Dysreflexia. This is the body's way of letting you know something is wrong, but basically your blood pressure gets higher and higher. Eventually, this can kill you if you're not careful. AD only occurs in people with high level SCI's.

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